November 09

How to Lose a Pilot in 10 Days.

I am sitting on the passenger’s side of my car, crying because the song , “Drops of Jupiter” by Train just came on the radio. It’s the corniest song ever written, but it’s making me cry because it idealizes what I thought I wanted: a meaningful relationship. Fuck meaningful relationships. I had been searching for […]

September 26

How I Got Screwed (by Crew Scheduling)

My roommate and I are sitting outside a bar on Chestnut Street, in the Marina, the yuppie neighborhood of San Francisco in which we happened to sublet a studio apartment. We’ve come to this bar every night, for the past three nights in a row, only “allowing” ourselves to have two beers, because: a) we […]

September 08

How I Became a Doormat.

The drill sergeants (flight attendant instructors) at Barbie Boot Camp (the Un-American Airlines Training Center) instill into their new-hire flight attendant trainees that the customer is always right. Even if a customer doesn’t happen to be right, pissing off any passenger while on six-month probation as a new-hire, will result in immediate termination. “I don’t […]

August 30

How Alcohol Saved My Life

Wholesome, rosebud-lipped 22-year olds are sniffling and wiping tears off their cheeks. Our flight attendant training class has just received our base assignments—where we will start out our “exciting new careers!” Most of the Southern belles are being sent to New York. Many of the innocent Midwestern girls will live in Miami. No one is […]

August 12

Anal Candy and the Meaning of Life

I wrote this three months ago, right before I retired from being a sky goddess. Yesterday was the last time I will ever sit in first class. Boo-fucking-hoo, you’re thinking. I’m retiring from my job as a flight attendant after 18 years. I’d taken a “last fling” trip with my gay husband Tim (we have been […]

August 11

Why I committed Career Suicide.

I am nervous as fuck, uncomfortable as fuck, looking at 14 pairs of eyes as I walk into an unsmiling first-class cabin.  It’s the dot.com heyday—1995—and I’m working a flight from Austin, Texas to San Jose, California. I’d just spent 27 hours at the Super 8 Austin Airport, which was located under four criss-crossing interstate […]